CNFESSINS TO A WINDOW

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The rain washes my window very lean. I've watched it all morning, yet I've not seen through it. I've seen only your face, smiling at me on the pane-your red lips, your kind eyes, your soft, brown hair.

A rainstorm in Autumn is always so solemn. It seems always to say: "I mourn the. Summer and wait for Winter to cover you in a white shroud."

Yesterday I fed the sparrows in the Square. I knew they were not hungry and that they had no need of warmth and comfort, yet I thought: how lucky it is to be human! Then I laughed, feeling a sort of hollow, because I didn't really know I was alive.

It was by the same bench-the bench on which we always sit. The wind was sweeping the last remnants of popcorn bags over the yellow grass. They swished as they passed, humming your name-Sssssaaarraahhhhh-Sarah. I turned, looking to see if you were there, but met only the cold air that reddened my face. I turned again to the sparrows, an emptiness in my chest.

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The emptiness reminded me of the first time we had spoken together at school. You'll not remember, I suppose, since it meant little to you. Yet when you smiled at me and said: "Pleased to meet you." I guess I stammered pretty badly and blushed quite red. It was so obvious! the way I flushed when you turned towards me. It was so strange the chill that you inspired, and the warmth, and also that empty feeling when I'd said something I wasn't sure you'd approve of. And you must have known I couldn't look you in the eye. And even at times the nastiness you brought out in meso that I could have bitten my tongue not to have been so sharp and yet afraid to say nice words to you.

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I would lie awake in bed at night, thinking of reasons why I could call you in the morning, just so you wouldn't forget me. And yet there were nights when I tried to forget you-to drive all want of you out of me. It was wrong, all of it, all the feeling I had for you. But I couldn't be right, because I didn't feel right. I thought and I felt and I was earnest. No unbalanced world could make me be a liar!

I'd known you three years, and for three years I'd thought of ways to tell you how I felt. In the Winter when we studied at each other's house when we studied at each other's house in the Spring when we took long walks and visited museums and in the Summer when we lay sunning ourselves at the beach.

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